The Welcoming of the Death of Me





Let those who have ears to hear, hear. And those who have the eyes to see, let them see. For this is the story of multitudes, and this, is the story of me. Open the depths inside your head, and may you understand what it is that's said. The deep calls unto the deep. Herein is but a mystery....

This is a land- a land of darkness I have been taken to, whose borders I am not sure of. I know it well and yet, I know it not, as it continually changes it's murky form. The hazy mountains become higher with each step I take to reach their cimmerian top. There seems no end to the road ahead. The darkness is great here and nothing is defined. Beasts of remembrance growl and grind their way into the earth. My soul feels the tearing from beneath their claws grinding deeper and deeper down. Where am I? What mystery has brought me here? Why am I so alone in my obscurity?

I whisper a simple prayer to whatever exists out there... away from this place. “Help me,” I breath as I watch it, in hopeful desperation, float away carried in warm, grieving breath into the bitter chill of a dark eternity. Silently it falls to the ground with the weight of my broken heart. It does not rise, nor is it seen, but rather trampled upon by the blackness as it lies still on the frozen ground. The beasties come to bury it as a dog would a bone or a man a corpse. Before it can be heard, or found, it is hidden- forever lost- in the earth. Shall I give in? Will I give up? I don't know.

A yellow moon of “what could be” graces the tops of the barren trees. It is all I have to follow in a path that has no end. It shines but a little in the thick nocturnal blanket of darkness that engulfs me with a weight that no soul should bear. I struggle to lift one foot in front of the other. Will I die? Will this be my end? I do not know.

The moon has attracted evanescent creatures of light. Like fae they dance around me offering small gifts of hope. Their wings vibrate with music and I hunger for their warmth. But alas, I am not the only thing that hungers here. Soon they are food for the beasts. The grinding of their bodies between the teeth of that which is insatiable sounds like claps of thunder in the midst of the sea. Soon I am alone. Is there anyone out there? Can anyone hear me? Say something please. Tell me how I got here. Is it that I woke up? Or did I fall asleep?

I am lost in this world. This state of hopeless reality- the void of limbo. A prince to save me! Yes! I dreamt of him once under the barren trees of infinity. He rode upon a great lavender horse and carried a chalice of light. His eyes were kind and his body strong. He smiled and offered me the chalice and a promise to save me from the forest and love me forever. My nails were broken and my dirty fingers numb from foraging into the frozen earth to find the meaning of all this and my place among the stars. I took the chalice from his hand and it slipped from my frozen fingers. It vanished from the fall. Our eyes met for the last time and he simply turned and rode away. Why did he leave me? Am I like the hideous beasts of these woods? What have I done that this is my lot? I do not know.

I hear whipsers among the trees that he has found a princess sweet and perfect- more fitting than I. The wind carries the faint sound of their happiness through this valley. I can feel the ground rumble when they make love. Yet I dreamnt of him once-did I not? For but a moment, I was his.

Oh, that the days would pass and I could die right here! Oh, that the pain would cease and I would know it no more! In my anguish and utter despair, I lay down my life for the beasts to eat. Devour of me what you will. Take it all that I might be free.

The beasts walk out with glowing eyes that suck the light from the moon. They are silent, contemplating the taste of the flesh they are offered freely and I the ultimate pain before release. Their eyes draw together in anticipation. Razor sharp teeth like that of sharks appear-their breath foul like rotting meat. I wait for it, closing my eyes and letting go. And suddenly, without warning, they laugh!

They howl in victory and delight that they are the power of my suffering. With all that is in me, I scream,”You bastards! You son's of bitches! Fuck you!!!!” My voice is a million syllables strong, decibels reach the heights of gods and with one last curse from my breath, the light of the moon is blown out-forever gone. The beasts take leave of me in this forsaken place, forgotten by everyone, I am lost. I sit beneath the trees of infinity in this utter darkness. I feel the ground rumble. I have never been so alone or wished for the death of me.

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