Dark are the Words - honouring the ghost within

           

Dark are the words of an endless night
long are the hours till comes the light
thin is the line between heaven and of hell
walk with me for I know it well.

In some families there are lines not meant to be crossed; there are moments whose existence are forbidden to be acknowledged and there are grim secrets so well hidden, that digging them up would be like unearthing your own corpse. They cause you to face realities that you would have rather not
known. It's easier to be bullied into pretending they don't exist.Yet when these secrets remain inside, it's like part of your soul is buried with them and it is always restless. That most fragile part that was desecrated, unloved and left abandoned wanders aimlessly it seems. Fearful of those who might further injure it, it hides secretly desiring to live in the safety of shadow. Roaming inside unwelcomed nightmares and old memories, it lives; until that odd moment, when something happens that brings it screaming, full force, with a benign vengeance from out of it's grave, to sit and talk with you, until once again, you bury it down deep inside.

Like others, I have tried to speak of the malevolence in my childhood; to bring the suffering into the light. The anguish remains so paralyzing at times that it makes words impossible to utter; only infinite tears and agonizing cries make their way through. Memories hurt too much; the violence runs too deep. Even though time passes, some things are impossible to forget.

My only solace, besides prayer and my closeness with nature, has been writing. I give evidence of the darkness in my own way without ever really being able to tell the story. I am careful of my words as I know society often judges someone by what has happened to them instead of by who they are. It is dehumanizing at best. What many do not realize is that some people do not want pity.

I remember reading a short poem in a forum. What spoke to me was a simple line of six words. "I suffered that I may know." I can say this path that I have been born to walk, and these things I have experienced, have helped me that "I may know." It is a two edged sword and for the most part, I have come to accept it.
It is comforting, in a way, to write these lines into the abyss as a gesture of acceptance and to honour the ghost that walks within. For that, I am thankful. The song below is how I have felt for so much of my life.